I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
