He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
