I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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