at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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