Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize