I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
