A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
