There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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