Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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