i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
