if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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