It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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