You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
please come you make the beer taste better
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
