went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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