the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I wish there were birth control emojis
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
