yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The power of my boobs compel you
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
