just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
