Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
