Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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