...so i touched it.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
