I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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