I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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