capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
