I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
