I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
