He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
