booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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