worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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