i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
