oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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