I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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