You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
