i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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