Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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