Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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