Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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