I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
