I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Im part way to drunk.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
