I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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