Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just invented taco cereal.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
