Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
