I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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