Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
