what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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