The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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