Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
