I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
