from now on my penis is your penis
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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