So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
