I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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