just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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