He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
