I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
