he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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