I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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