How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize