You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
