google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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